GO HOME PANCREAS… YOU'RE DRUNK (part I)

About 4 and a half years ago I woke in the dead of the night from pain around my stomach/bottom centre of my ribs. Stomach pain and digestive pain isn't foreign to me however, I'd not experienced this before. It did feel somewhat similar to when I had gall stone attacks yet my gall badder was removed in 2008 so it obviously wasn't the issue.

I sat up for a bit hunched over while my partner at the time slept on. I got to the point very soon that i was in tears as the pain was quickly increasing. By the time he woke I was doubled over in pain and gasping at breath.

Straight to the hospital emergency department I went. Little did I know at the time, this was to become a very familiar occurrence.

In order to reduce my pain and discomfort they administered morphine.
I've not had morphine before. I get that horrible cramping pain feeling run through my veins for a 10 or so seconds the moment it enters my system. (apparently that's quite common), then the world seems to go a little fuzzy! It's certainly not a feeling i would say I enjoy yet it's the only form of pain relief that works when I'm in such pain.

This first attack saw me in hospital a little over a week nil by mouth whilst they prodded poked and scanned every part of my torso they could. I was left with no answers as to what had caused the pain. By this point the pain had subsided and home I went.

A referral to a gastroenterologist was made (the doctors earliest appointment isn't for another 6 weeks, says every receptionist everywhere) and in the meantime good luck! yup the doctor at the hospital actually said "good luck"!

Rather than drag on through each episode/attack I suffered I will say in short, the pain attacks became more frequent. My gastro dude came to the conclusion that I have, wait for it because its a ripper of a title, 'Dysfunctional Sphincter of Oddi Disorder'.

Have you finished laughing yet?

Alright, that'll do, I know what you are thinking as everyone thinks it, Nope, not my ass, that is not dysfunctional, other things yes, dysfunctional no. well not yet anyhow.

basically the pancreas has an area referred to as the sphincter of oddi. named after some dude, so and so Oddi. and mine does not function as it should hence, dysfunctional.
This sphincter is a muscle and it allows the enzymes your pancreas produces along with bile to enter into the stomach and work their magic. My muscle cramps up like you wouldn't believe. I am left with no option other than the emergency room and strong pain killers which help me relax.

Again another long story short, I spent 2 years trying every medicine and option to fix this problem other than surgery as surgery is quite risky. Noting worked.

I end up at a major hospital a few hours away from home to have this rare and risky surgery, not once but twice! the first surgery wasn't without pre op complications and pain! An extended stay in hospital and more of the horrible pain meds. eventually i'm home. This seemed to work for around 6 months, then out of the blue I have the worst attack ever yet.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? (oh yes, the spice girls song)

Some days I get caught up on the thought of how people see me. Not as in, what type of person I am, actually physically, how they see me.

I always look at other women comparing them to myself. I look at them and think she has hair like mine, or I wonder if my legs look like that.

How do they see my face. When you know someone so well that you see them differently than if you passed them in the street they change right?

It's not a self loathing of any sorts it's basic curiosity i guess.

It bends my mind. I would love to be someone else and meet me and hang out.
Imagine what you would learn about yourself. I'm sure there are not so great aspects to this such as seeing an expression on your face and thinking 'Don't ever do that again!'.

Kids see us big people differently also. They are blunt and matter of fact with their observations. We have all heard the story where the kid points out a fat person really loudly and how embarrassing it is. well perhaps we should all be more obvious.

I love complimenting strangers on something I like. Such as their perfume or clothes. It feels great to give a compliment with no intent behind it. Surely the person receiving the compliment will feel better.

The there is those people that you are positive they have no mirror in their house nor a reflective surface as if they had seen themselves there is no way they'd have left home. Would it be appropriate to mention to them why they look so unfitting. It can be polite. I like your jacket but it really doesn't match with your pants? I suppose not.

Well I for one would be happy to have my misgivings pointed out to me. I'm pretty sure my friends know this. However I do take way to long deciding what to wear most days so that this never happens.

Over thinking. It's crippling isn't it!!