If I've not heard from a friend for sometime, I automatically jump to the conclusion that they must hate me or I must have done something wrong.
* Let me interject for a moment to deliver some important information. I have a bad habit of blurting out information that I shouldn't when I start to get anxious or nervous it has led to a few, shall we say "issues" in the past so, that is most likely the reason i jump to this conclusion.
Someone once said to me, 'If you think someone is cross with you then, you are usually right and they are'. I wish she had never said that to me. Its not true all the time. I seem to be paranoid for nothing sometimes. And yes well then sometimes they are mad and I have flapped my jaw and deserve the onslaught I have coming. I will always own my mistakes and be the first one to admit and apologies (usually in the same breathe) when I am in the wrong. I HATE when I have done nothing at all and it is not my fault and I cop the blame. Anyway...
So, over thinking leads to little dramas and scenarios in my head. (Please tell me I'm not the only one that does this as it would make me feel a hell of a lot better!) I begin to surmise why they may not be happy with me, what it is I could have said or done. Once Ive decided on the most likely reason, I then imagine that person confronting me. this is never in a nice calm manner with thought and deliberation on their part. It is always a fierce attack, worse than any way in which i actually believe they would behave. For reasons unknown, I always think of worst case, I suppose then I am completely prepared for whatever happens. (I'm pretty sure nothing I've dreamt up in my head has ever come to fruition by the way). Next thing to do is practise how I would react. What would my rebuttal be? (I'm also pretty sure that I'm a lot braver in my head than reality as it would seem)
Does this sound a little bit crazy? I hope it makes sense as this is constantly going on inside my head. ALL THE TIME!!!! Once I've satisfied myself that I have the situation under control and that if it were to happen, I'd have full control of the situation. I mull over it again and again for at least a week or two until the problem sorts itself out entirely with no need whatsoever for my little plan of attack to be forced into action. Or of course, a new scenario all together raises the stakes and takes the for position over the previous one. ahhhh I'm exhausted just writing that let alone living it.
And so the cycle continues. again, and again, and… yup you guessed it… again!
The only thing I can keep doing and saying to myself for reassurance is…
BE A NICE HUMAN.
*Those who were disappointed in the lack of insects in this blog, it's a song title by a little band that goes by the name of 'Weezer'. Look them up, you never know, you may just love them. just quietly, they're pretty great.
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