this week is mental health week in Australia.
A fantastic week bringing mental heath into the spotlight and making it OKAY to talk about, recognise and understand the workings of many diseases, disorders and common problems.
I myself suffer from Bipolar and adult ADHD. This is not something I advertise but am always happy to talk about and tell people.
There is a great stigma behind mental health, one which is not really helpful to people like myself that live everyday as a struggle as it is.
I have great days, and not so great days. I love life, it offers so many opportunities, this however, doesn't stop the anxiety and depression from constantly derailing what should be a simple task such us cleaning the house, cooking dinner, catching up with friends.
Today i feel horrible. I want to crawl under the sheets and just cry. Why? your guess is as good as mine to be honest. I could feel it creeping up on me the last coupe of days.
ill try and explain: (Try, i said try as its not always that simple)
Imagine its a balmy summer day, suns shining and your happy going about your business. You can feel something in the air though, an uneasy feeling, a storm brewing in the distance. You may even be able to see the dark clouds and smell the rain in the air but its a long way off. A storm like this is always following me. ALWAYS. But as unpredictable as the weather can be, so is depression and anxiety. Sometimes a storm settles, passes you by with only some light rain and slight chill in the air, but for the most part you can keep your plans and life isn't effected. Other storms, well, its time to batten the hatches and take cover. A storm will always pass but its never an exact science of how long it will last and what damage it will cause before it does. You can't ignore thunder and tightening. its scary and chaotic. Its also very, very lonely. even if there is someone right by your side.
Ive had storms that can last a week, or just a few days. the severity of the storm isn't dependant on the time either. the damage each storm does is as i said, unpredictable. But, I clean up after each storm and try to act as though it never happened. For the most part this works. Others may not even have noticed the storm. But i do, I feel its effects for a long time.
I think for me, the scariest part is feeling it coming, I know its coming and there isn't much I can do about it. I know it can't last forever but what if this one does, and thus continues the stupid cycle of anxiety and depression.
I do my best not to let it impact on my kids. I can usually hold it together till they are in bed then i can let it all flood over me. Nigh time is the worst. Feeling as though i am the only person in such a vast population. Its a very daunting thought.
I have a great deal of support around me of family and friends. I hardly ever tell them whats going on as friends usually don't want to hear it, or don't know what to do when you tell them. But without them knowing, they are my happy place. My comfort zone. I know that I'm safe with them and that's enough for me.
Life will continue and I will always fight against the storm. It'll take more than a few claps of thunder and rolling clouds to dull my sparkle.
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