I have briefly written about my ex husbands stroke already. I think i'd like to tell you the story in depth now.
It was a usual morning for John and I. He works as a wall and floor tiler, that means he's up and off to work by 6:30 am. The usual kiss me goodbye while i'm asleep. I'm about 32 weeks pregnant, I have no need to get out of bed this early. So around 9 o'clock I heave my belly out of bed. I have this great idea that I should get some exercise (crazy I know) so I decide to go for a walk around the block. This is before the days of iPhones so I had no need to take my brick of a phone with me and left it.
By the time i wander back from my energetic stroll, I have 7 missed calls on my phone from my mother in law. I immediately called her and she said John is at the local doctors and isn't able to walk or something, she wasn't quite sure what was going on and was heading there now. I jumped in the car with her and we drove to the doc about 15 minutes away.
John had been working at a house about 300 metres up the road from their doctor who was also a family friend. His brother who walked with him had dropped him to the doc as he was feeling really unwell. at the time his bro dropped him he felt nauseous and off balance but that was about it so he went back to work.
When Johns mother and I arrived there was an ambulance out the front. This was concerning to say the least. As we entered the practise, they knew who we were and took us straight to where john was with the ambo's.
Still without a cue what was happening, I got to the doorway to find John laying on his side on the stretcher vomiting, All of a sudden his right arm flopped hard beside his body without his control. At this sight I burst into tears and backed away from the door. It wasn't a moment later that they wheeled him to the ambulance. One of the ambo's pulled me aside and questioned whether John had taken any drugs to my knowledge. My answer was no. We had dabbled in things here and there in the past but it was most certainly not something he would have done.
The ambulance was off and his mother and I were left surmising what on earth could be wrong as we drove back home. We were saying to each other that he must have pinched a nerve and would be in hospital at least the weekend so I went home to grab an overnight bag for him and would meet her at the hospital.
We arrived at the emergency department and in that short time, John had lost all control of the right side of his body. He was still awake yet quite aggressive and confused about where he was and why. By this stage his father and brother had arrived. We were all by his bed when the doctor came to see us with the most devastating news. John was having a stroke. A very large and severe stroke. John was still very unsettled, I was told to move to his right side so that he didn't accidentally lash out and hit my belly. It was so scary seeing him like this. He couldn't be reasoned with or settled. The doctor had said he'd passed his other patients onto different doctors and John was his main priority. He was doing everything he could do find a bed in a major city hospital as there was no neurological ward or surgeons here and John needed immediate medical attention or he would die.
Within around 15 minutes John had simmered down and (what we thought) had fallen asleep. When the doc came to check we were relieved and said he's settled down and sleeping. No actually, We were dead wrong. He had slipped into a coma. We had to leave the ER while they induced him further so that they could control the coma and insert breathing tubes etc. Now we waited.. 5/6 hours in fact until they could find a hospital with a bed.
In the meantime, my parents lived in the city and I had called them early on when I still thought john had just pinched a nerve (How wrong I was). Without alarming me, they realised that something serious was happening and I would need some support so they had began driving up the coast to me (around a 5 hour trip). When we received the diagnosis of the stroke I had called mum and dad who were nearly at the closest town with a major hospital. I said don't drive any further as he will either be sent there or to the city so they would either meet us there or turn back to the city.
As I said after around 5/6 hours later, time kinda of stood still as you could imagine, they had a bed. It was in the hospital mum and dad had stopped. around 3 hours drive away. The same hospital my brother had been in after his accident. John was prepared to be airlifted and we would follow by car.
We had to say our goodbyes as the helicopter had arrived and he was ready to go. This could of been the last time I saw him alive. No one knew the damage the bleed had caused or the rate it was bleeding into his brain. His parents are not very good at showing physical emotion. They patted his arm and said see you soon mate. (I understand they were very upset but wouldn't you want to kiss your child goodbye knowing it may be the last time you may ever get to!). I kissed his forehead told him how much baby and I loved hi. I said you are going to be okay, you are strong and we will get through this together. I will seen you so very soon.
I walked with the him to a certain point at the helicopter pad until i wasn't allowed any further. I went to my car and sat and watched it take off. I was in shock and couldn't even cry. I was repeatedly saying out loud to none in particular as I was alone, "I can't do this again, please please, not again"
It was all to familiar, the helicopter, a brain injury, death so close and almost imminent.
It felt like my brother all over again and only 9 months later.
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
RAISING HELL… WAIT, I MEAN A BOY, YES… RAISING A BOY part II
I will refer to this as my sons Poo Stage.
Why because that's exactly what it was. A stage where it was all about poo.
He's a sensitive little dude. He is your typical boy. He would bash and bang toys no matter what they were, his sisters would dress him up like a princess and he would roar like a lion in a pretty sequin pink ensemble.
The first time the POO occurred, I put it down to age and intrigue. I think most parents have a story of at least one of their children paying with poo. This became a infatuation with my dude.
I would smell it first. Now lets just explore this for a moment. You know how you can smell dog poo if someone has stepped in it?, it has a distinct odour, not a pleasurable experience at all. Now think about baby/toddler poo. It's also a distinct smell. One of horrifying magnitudes at times.
With that smell in mind, once it's detected it cannot be ignored, nor should it.
Finding the source of the smell is usually quite simple it is a protruding nappy which has rudely interrupted your morning coffee. Usually a simple fix of changing it, disposing of it and move on with your day. My dude, although toilet training, didn't feel it was appropriate to just poo in his nappy and either take it off or cruise around till it was changed.
wait for it…. He decided, god knows why, to SMEAR the poo up and down his legs and his arms.
I will let that last sentence sink it for a moment, focus on the word SMEAR and arms and legs.
Dry reaching was definitely unavoidable at this point. The first time this happened I had that moment of What the F do I do now. I was quite astounded that he wasn't fazed by the situation. In fact he was smiling. again, What the actual F???
Okay so the only conceivable thing to do was to dump him straight in the shower. Once he was "de pooed", I would then set to work on the carpet, he was quite a messy poo artist so he did get it everywhere.
I calmly explained all the reasons to him why this was not a smart idea with strong emphasis on the fact it will possibly make him very sick.
The next time it happened, he was caught mid smear behind the couch. he had pooed on the carpet then proceeded to pick it up and begin the big poo paint. kill me NOW!!!
It started to become a regular thing. I couldn't understand how he was okay with the smell or the texture. I can only think it must be like smearing peanut butter all over your arms and legs. it was just as hard to wash off, I needed to rub it off in the shower. Tears forming from the sight and smell and from the utter gravity of what my boy was doing was not normal.
We started seeing a child psychologist. He was somewhat alarmed at these happenings also yet seemed to find it (although at the extreme end of the scale) quite a obvious reaction to his environment. It was about a tactile sensation that he could control. He couldn't control where he went what the rules of life were or his emotions, yet he could control his poo and where it was placed. Good one son!
At this point I distinctly remember saying can't he have some form of tidy OCD or an obsession with trucks like most boys? Poo! it had to be Poo!!!
Eventually he stopped doing this. I can't say I didn't try loads of different things to deter this behaviour however I'm pretty sure he just got over it on his own. That was a by far one of my lowest points of being a single mum so far.
Poo, why did it have to be poo, seriously!
As a side note, first time, second time, anytime parents, please don't be deterred from having kids by this story. It was horrifyingly yuk! But, it was a phase, granted not a widely popular one of toddlers but it was what it was. He is now 5, at school, brilliantly minded! socially confident and above all and most importantly, no longer plays with poo! kids are weird! but we love them anyhow right!
poo! bloody poooooo!
Why because that's exactly what it was. A stage where it was all about poo.
He's a sensitive little dude. He is your typical boy. He would bash and bang toys no matter what they were, his sisters would dress him up like a princess and he would roar like a lion in a pretty sequin pink ensemble.
The first time the POO occurred, I put it down to age and intrigue. I think most parents have a story of at least one of their children paying with poo. This became a infatuation with my dude.
I would smell it first. Now lets just explore this for a moment. You know how you can smell dog poo if someone has stepped in it?, it has a distinct odour, not a pleasurable experience at all. Now think about baby/toddler poo. It's also a distinct smell. One of horrifying magnitudes at times.
With that smell in mind, once it's detected it cannot be ignored, nor should it.
Finding the source of the smell is usually quite simple it is a protruding nappy which has rudely interrupted your morning coffee. Usually a simple fix of changing it, disposing of it and move on with your day. My dude, although toilet training, didn't feel it was appropriate to just poo in his nappy and either take it off or cruise around till it was changed.
wait for it…. He decided, god knows why, to SMEAR the poo up and down his legs and his arms.
I will let that last sentence sink it for a moment, focus on the word SMEAR and arms and legs.
Dry reaching was definitely unavoidable at this point. The first time this happened I had that moment of What the F do I do now. I was quite astounded that he wasn't fazed by the situation. In fact he was smiling. again, What the actual F???
Okay so the only conceivable thing to do was to dump him straight in the shower. Once he was "de pooed", I would then set to work on the carpet, he was quite a messy poo artist so he did get it everywhere.
I calmly explained all the reasons to him why this was not a smart idea with strong emphasis on the fact it will possibly make him very sick.
The next time it happened, he was caught mid smear behind the couch. he had pooed on the carpet then proceeded to pick it up and begin the big poo paint. kill me NOW!!!
It started to become a regular thing. I couldn't understand how he was okay with the smell or the texture. I can only think it must be like smearing peanut butter all over your arms and legs. it was just as hard to wash off, I needed to rub it off in the shower. Tears forming from the sight and smell and from the utter gravity of what my boy was doing was not normal.
We started seeing a child psychologist. He was somewhat alarmed at these happenings also yet seemed to find it (although at the extreme end of the scale) quite a obvious reaction to his environment. It was about a tactile sensation that he could control. He couldn't control where he went what the rules of life were or his emotions, yet he could control his poo and where it was placed. Good one son!
At this point I distinctly remember saying can't he have some form of tidy OCD or an obsession with trucks like most boys? Poo! it had to be Poo!!!
Eventually he stopped doing this. I can't say I didn't try loads of different things to deter this behaviour however I'm pretty sure he just got over it on his own. That was a by far one of my lowest points of being a single mum so far.
Poo, why did it have to be poo, seriously!
As a side note, first time, second time, anytime parents, please don't be deterred from having kids by this story. It was horrifyingly yuk! But, it was a phase, granted not a widely popular one of toddlers but it was what it was. He is now 5, at school, brilliantly minded! socially confident and above all and most importantly, no longer plays with poo! kids are weird! but we love them anyhow right!
poo! bloody poooooo!
RAISING HELL... WAIT, I MEAN A BOY, YES... RAISING A BOY part I
When my son was between the ages of 1 and 3, He wasn't the easiest child to grace this earth. He had amazing meltdowns, wouldn't get dressed, eat his food unless it was perfectly the way in which he wanted, this was a guessing game for me as he didn't actually share with me how he wished his food to appear, just what he didn't like about it.
My ex husband and I split the day before my little dudes 1st birthday. Not the greatest timing I admit but when is the right time for an event such as this. From that day the kids began the roller coaster ride of living between two parents, two houses, two sets of rules. They would and still do, stay with their father for the weekend every fortnight. Their father can and does see them between these visits from time to time, more so now than in the beginning.
Giving your 1 year old, along with a 3 and 5 year old, to someone else for two nights and three days is not natural or normal. Regardless of the fact it was their father. If my parents had them, I could call and it would be on my terms and my rules would be followed. But you see when you no longer wish to have a person in your life yet are forced to, you loose the right/power/control (whatever you wish to call it, its the same thing). I was a mess for at least the first six months of all this happening.
Why did I allow them to go you may wonder? He is their father. He is not a bad person. My children were not in a bad environment. They were not (to the best of my knowledge) in any immediate danger.
This is all sensible and seems to be the way things are commonly handled when families break apart. Try though, to explain this to a 1 year old. I have stayed at home with all of my children. I have sacrificed having a job/career, a life outside of nappies and play school. My son had been away from me at best for a night and that was only up the road with my parents. He didn't understand why he had to go with his dad all of a sudden and not see his mum from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon.
I would hazard a guess that majority of kids reactions when they arrive back to mum (or dad, whoever the full time career may be) is to be quite sticky.. no not from the sugary treats they have bee bribed with, I mean good luck even attempting to go to the bathroom without them. They have missed you! Extra cuddles, kisses and attention is needed. (For the parent too).
My boy did not react as such. He would appear to be almost angry and resentful towards me. It was as if I was being punished for sending him away. It broke my heart, many times.
As he grew a bit older and perhaps more aware of the situation he became quite aggressive. He would hit me and bite me, scream at me and refuse any form of affection I offered. This would last a day or two and then he would settle back down and be my adoring boy cuddly as anything again till the next stay at his dads.
I figured it was a phase. A very hard one, but given time he would adjust and except the situation for what it was. Surely as he grew in age he could start to comprehend that I was not sending nor pushing him or the girls away from me. Quite the opposite happened. The aggressive behaviour got worse and would stretch out from one to two days to a week, then to the point he was never happy.
He became withdrawn. I had to battle every single thing with him. He would refuse to even leave the house or go anywhere. Of course he had to because the girls had school and I needed to go to the supermarket etc. I lost count of the amount of times I had to pin him down just to get clothes on him and then drag him to the car reluctantly while the neighbours were probably on the phone to docs!
My boy would shut down from around thursday evening, knowing that Friday he would be going to his dads. Time spent with his Pa (my father) was about the only thing he was happy about. Pa became a sanctuary to him, his safe haven, reliable and never changing. He also saved my sanity! Pa is amazing with all kids, the girls adore him like nothing i've ever seen. He plays an important role with my boy though, he teaches him to be a kind and polite, intelligent male. Something perhaps his father is needing to also be taught!
I had tried sending my son to preschool for a while when he was nearly 4. It was horrible. He would get so upset about leaving me that I had to lie to him and not tell him where we were going. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. This kid is hurting so badly inside and all he wants is his mum, here I am sending him away to strangers. So I canned that after about 5 weeks of crying and screaming every day. Guess what? It was the best decision I've made so far for him. We began to have special days to break up the cycles we were in. To break what I can now look back and see was some pretty extreme anxiety. W had mummy days where I did no house work or chores, we chose together what to do and would do it. some days it was sitting on the couch watching a movie. Other days were more adventurous at the beach. then we had Shopping days and town days. Once he had a pre planned idea in his head of what would be happening that day he was okay about it. (Not perfect, the tantrums were still happening, but better)
There is a stage i've not spoken about just yet… I think it deserves an entire post of it's own, I also don't won't to over whelm any parents to be all in one blog, so I will leave a "To Be Continued" right here and post part 2 as soon as I can.
My ex husband and I split the day before my little dudes 1st birthday. Not the greatest timing I admit but when is the right time for an event such as this. From that day the kids began the roller coaster ride of living between two parents, two houses, two sets of rules. They would and still do, stay with their father for the weekend every fortnight. Their father can and does see them between these visits from time to time, more so now than in the beginning.
Giving your 1 year old, along with a 3 and 5 year old, to someone else for two nights and three days is not natural or normal. Regardless of the fact it was their father. If my parents had them, I could call and it would be on my terms and my rules would be followed. But you see when you no longer wish to have a person in your life yet are forced to, you loose the right/power/control (whatever you wish to call it, its the same thing). I was a mess for at least the first six months of all this happening.
Why did I allow them to go you may wonder? He is their father. He is not a bad person. My children were not in a bad environment. They were not (to the best of my knowledge) in any immediate danger.
This is all sensible and seems to be the way things are commonly handled when families break apart. Try though, to explain this to a 1 year old. I have stayed at home with all of my children. I have sacrificed having a job/career, a life outside of nappies and play school. My son had been away from me at best for a night and that was only up the road with my parents. He didn't understand why he had to go with his dad all of a sudden and not see his mum from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon.
I would hazard a guess that majority of kids reactions when they arrive back to mum (or dad, whoever the full time career may be) is to be quite sticky.. no not from the sugary treats they have bee bribed with, I mean good luck even attempting to go to the bathroom without them. They have missed you! Extra cuddles, kisses and attention is needed. (For the parent too).
My boy did not react as such. He would appear to be almost angry and resentful towards me. It was as if I was being punished for sending him away. It broke my heart, many times.
As he grew a bit older and perhaps more aware of the situation he became quite aggressive. He would hit me and bite me, scream at me and refuse any form of affection I offered. This would last a day or two and then he would settle back down and be my adoring boy cuddly as anything again till the next stay at his dads.
I figured it was a phase. A very hard one, but given time he would adjust and except the situation for what it was. Surely as he grew in age he could start to comprehend that I was not sending nor pushing him or the girls away from me. Quite the opposite happened. The aggressive behaviour got worse and would stretch out from one to two days to a week, then to the point he was never happy.
He became withdrawn. I had to battle every single thing with him. He would refuse to even leave the house or go anywhere. Of course he had to because the girls had school and I needed to go to the supermarket etc. I lost count of the amount of times I had to pin him down just to get clothes on him and then drag him to the car reluctantly while the neighbours were probably on the phone to docs!
My boy would shut down from around thursday evening, knowing that Friday he would be going to his dads. Time spent with his Pa (my father) was about the only thing he was happy about. Pa became a sanctuary to him, his safe haven, reliable and never changing. He also saved my sanity! Pa is amazing with all kids, the girls adore him like nothing i've ever seen. He plays an important role with my boy though, he teaches him to be a kind and polite, intelligent male. Something perhaps his father is needing to also be taught!
I had tried sending my son to preschool for a while when he was nearly 4. It was horrible. He would get so upset about leaving me that I had to lie to him and not tell him where we were going. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. This kid is hurting so badly inside and all he wants is his mum, here I am sending him away to strangers. So I canned that after about 5 weeks of crying and screaming every day. Guess what? It was the best decision I've made so far for him. We began to have special days to break up the cycles we were in. To break what I can now look back and see was some pretty extreme anxiety. W had mummy days where I did no house work or chores, we chose together what to do and would do it. some days it was sitting on the couch watching a movie. Other days were more adventurous at the beach. then we had Shopping days and town days. Once he had a pre planned idea in his head of what would be happening that day he was okay about it. (Not perfect, the tantrums were still happening, but better)
There is a stage i've not spoken about just yet… I think it deserves an entire post of it's own, I also don't won't to over whelm any parents to be all in one blog, so I will leave a "To Be Continued" right here and post part 2 as soon as I can.
Thursday, 19 March 2015
AUTO PILOT ISN'T ALWAYS TO BE TRUSTED
so unfortunately my ex was in my head today for reasons that I don't need to go into, it did however make me upset and I figured what better way to get rid of the feelings than blog right?!
I was 6 months separated. I had no interest what so ever in ever getting back together with my husband and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. we got/get along well enough so no big deal.
The kids were 18 months old, 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old. I randomly met a guy through mutual friends.
He was so dreamy! He was a pilot, tall dark and handsome. He had two kids himself similar ages to my eldest two. So you know, he got it. Or so I thought. Anyhow, throughout my marriage I was quite neglected. My ex was not a touchy feely person, he wouldn't even hold my hand at home alone! I am a touchy feely person. I hug and kiss my friends always, even when I'm hanging out with them, I love a cuddle or linking arms etc. And, to me showing affection is showing the world you love the people around you but more importantly its showing that to them!
So along comes this guy, he's about 6 years older so he was a little more mature compared to the ex. He chased me, showed me he was interested yet was always a gentleman about it. I fell head over hills for him pretty quickly, he seemed to do the same. A few things didn't immediately add up though. and I guess being naive isn't even an excuse. After seven years of a torturous relationship I was willing to ignore the red flags and figured that it would be okay.
The biggest red flag was his ex wife. She had it in for me from day one. He had cheated on her. At the time of meeting him, he had fully disclosed this yet he said it was a once off with a random. (turns out there were at least 5 different women and they weren't all once offs or strangers!) After about 6 months, we started to integrate kids with each other and from there introduced the kids to each other. Long story short they got along fabulously well, to the point they all called each other brother and sister and wanted us to be married. The ex wife on the other hand, who lived in a hippy commune (without even a working toilet), was telling the kids I was a horrible person and not to talk to me etc. Basically anything nasty you could think of she was doing, including hitting on him and trying to get him to stay over at her house. He did on a few occasions. Now I am not that naive. I was furious about all this. The thing that really hurt was that he never supported me. Never stood up for me against her. It caused many fights and always ended with I should be the bigger person and ignore her. In the end I was the crazy one according to him. I did find texts on his phone accidentally (sort of) that proved other wise.
There were other things like a chick he was dating before me would send pictures and inappropriate texts. He said I was stupid and she meant nothing and didn't know why she would still be texting. (ridiculous we lasted beyond this point really). The problem is, I loved him dearly. He told me I was the one for him and that one day we would get married. We talked about the type of house we'd live in. He was close with my parents. He was Mr. Charisma. Could sell ice to Eskimos this man! He had me charmed beyond words and I just couldn't see straight when it came to him. Or i didn't want to is probably more accurate. Things got worse we were fighting more often. He had all but hidden me from his family playing down our relationship yet was practically living full time at my house with the kids and i.
I eventually got sick of arguing and feeling like the nut job he made me out to be and broke it off. Within 2 weeks we were sort of seeing each other again, its hard when you love someone. Then I found out he'd already run back to the chick that was texting throughout our entire relationship and was also seeing another chick he apparently was just friends with. I am almost positive this shit was happening when we were together. He was always away sporadic being that he was a pilot so there was plenty of opportunities.
After finally stepping away from the bastard and having some perspective, I realised he had constantly lied to me, he was for lack of a better term, a pathological liar! He believed his own stories, which always changed.
I am still deeply hurt from this relationship. I mourn the person I loved, but that person doesn't, and never did, exist. I don't know how to get closure from those feelings. I am so hard on the guys I now meet. I am so wary of falling for someone again who is only going to lie to me. It won't stop me loving, I want to love, it will just take its time I guess. Not only did he hurt me, he hurt my children! Although it may sound like I haven't mentioned this, it's only because that's the deepest hurt of all and I'm not sure writing about that is a good thing. Those scars are held very very close to my heart and are still fresh and raw.
I don't understand how a person can do this to another. I hope to meet an amazing man one day that is satisfied with me the way I am. Who doesn't feel the need to lie to me. A strong man that will walk by my side and put his arm around me because he is proud to show the world we are together. A man that can hold me up when I don't have the strength to hold myself up anymore, but lets me hold him when I am strong and he is not.
Blah Blah Blah, it's all sappy I know. You may now go and vomit.
thanks for letting me get that off my chest though!!!
I was 6 months separated. I had no interest what so ever in ever getting back together with my husband and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. we got/get along well enough so no big deal.
The kids were 18 months old, 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old. I randomly met a guy through mutual friends.
He was so dreamy! He was a pilot, tall dark and handsome. He had two kids himself similar ages to my eldest two. So you know, he got it. Or so I thought. Anyhow, throughout my marriage I was quite neglected. My ex was not a touchy feely person, he wouldn't even hold my hand at home alone! I am a touchy feely person. I hug and kiss my friends always, even when I'm hanging out with them, I love a cuddle or linking arms etc. And, to me showing affection is showing the world you love the people around you but more importantly its showing that to them!
So along comes this guy, he's about 6 years older so he was a little more mature compared to the ex. He chased me, showed me he was interested yet was always a gentleman about it. I fell head over hills for him pretty quickly, he seemed to do the same. A few things didn't immediately add up though. and I guess being naive isn't even an excuse. After seven years of a torturous relationship I was willing to ignore the red flags and figured that it would be okay.
The biggest red flag was his ex wife. She had it in for me from day one. He had cheated on her. At the time of meeting him, he had fully disclosed this yet he said it was a once off with a random. (turns out there were at least 5 different women and they weren't all once offs or strangers!) After about 6 months, we started to integrate kids with each other and from there introduced the kids to each other. Long story short they got along fabulously well, to the point they all called each other brother and sister and wanted us to be married. The ex wife on the other hand, who lived in a hippy commune (without even a working toilet), was telling the kids I was a horrible person and not to talk to me etc. Basically anything nasty you could think of she was doing, including hitting on him and trying to get him to stay over at her house. He did on a few occasions. Now I am not that naive. I was furious about all this. The thing that really hurt was that he never supported me. Never stood up for me against her. It caused many fights and always ended with I should be the bigger person and ignore her. In the end I was the crazy one according to him. I did find texts on his phone accidentally (sort of) that proved other wise.
There were other things like a chick he was dating before me would send pictures and inappropriate texts. He said I was stupid and she meant nothing and didn't know why she would still be texting. (ridiculous we lasted beyond this point really). The problem is, I loved him dearly. He told me I was the one for him and that one day we would get married. We talked about the type of house we'd live in. He was close with my parents. He was Mr. Charisma. Could sell ice to Eskimos this man! He had me charmed beyond words and I just couldn't see straight when it came to him. Or i didn't want to is probably more accurate. Things got worse we were fighting more often. He had all but hidden me from his family playing down our relationship yet was practically living full time at my house with the kids and i.
I eventually got sick of arguing and feeling like the nut job he made me out to be and broke it off. Within 2 weeks we were sort of seeing each other again, its hard when you love someone. Then I found out he'd already run back to the chick that was texting throughout our entire relationship and was also seeing another chick he apparently was just friends with. I am almost positive this shit was happening when we were together. He was always away sporadic being that he was a pilot so there was plenty of opportunities.
After finally stepping away from the bastard and having some perspective, I realised he had constantly lied to me, he was for lack of a better term, a pathological liar! He believed his own stories, which always changed.
I am still deeply hurt from this relationship. I mourn the person I loved, but that person doesn't, and never did, exist. I don't know how to get closure from those feelings. I am so hard on the guys I now meet. I am so wary of falling for someone again who is only going to lie to me. It won't stop me loving, I want to love, it will just take its time I guess. Not only did he hurt me, he hurt my children! Although it may sound like I haven't mentioned this, it's only because that's the deepest hurt of all and I'm not sure writing about that is a good thing. Those scars are held very very close to my heart and are still fresh and raw.
I don't understand how a person can do this to another. I hope to meet an amazing man one day that is satisfied with me the way I am. Who doesn't feel the need to lie to me. A strong man that will walk by my side and put his arm around me because he is proud to show the world we are together. A man that can hold me up when I don't have the strength to hold myself up anymore, but lets me hold him when I am strong and he is not.
Blah Blah Blah, it's all sappy I know. You may now go and vomit.
thanks for letting me get that off my chest though!!!
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
JERKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH TOURETTE SYNDROME
I think growing up I always felt different. Never quite fitted in. My father and brother have Tourette Syndrome. I believe I have some elements of it in a mild manner. Neither of them swear (yes the stigma produced from Deuce Bigalo is still there). They have motor tics and vocal tics.
Today there tics are a lot less obvious than they were when they were younger. Obviously I didn't grow up with my dad but i did with my brother. It was at the least to say, hard.
My mother recalls that from the moment my bro was born he was hard work. The baby that never slept. Was never settled and content. As a toddler he was obsessed with any and all electronics, from the TV to the PowerPoint. He didn't go to sleep with a blanket or fave soft toy like most kids, he slept with a double adaptor! (For those who don't know, that's what you plug into your electrical outlet to allow more power points). So yeah, he was far from the norm from a very young age.
Although successful now, and happy. It wasn't always that way. Growing up, he hated me. Or that's how it felt. I was an easy going kid. bubbly and active. Always wanting to play with someone. My entire street was full of boys except one girl who was such a nancy she was scared of butterflies. I played with the boys when I was allowed. But that's the thing, i was never allowed. I was sworn at from a young age told to piss off. that I'm an idiot and that he wouldn't play with me. It didn't stop me, id tag along anyway if i could. I learned pretty quickly how to keep up with the boys on my bike. They would always manage to run away from me and loose me though.
It is interesting reflecting back now as an adult, I know most kids are this way with younger siblings, my own kids are. But it was different, it was like he had a seething hatred for me. It was only when he wanted something that he was nice to me. The next door neighbour and him talked me into spending all my pocket money at the local milk bar on lollies and ice creams! I was eager to please if it meant i would be able to hang out with them. Mum busted them! pretty sure the wooden spoon came out that day!!
I look at him now and find it bleeding obvious that he also has Asperges. Not that he has been diagnosed as there is no point, but it does make me understand things differently. My brother still treats me in a similar manner to this day. Perhaps a little less childish but not much.
Think about his perspective for a minute though, here's a kid that cannot keep his head arms and basically his body from jerking around in constant movement. He cannot sit still like a normal kid. He makes noises and sounds that he can't control. The pressure inside you when you try to control it is unbelievable and inevitably you make the movement anyhow but ten times worse as it is realising the built up pressure of trying to control it. I'm not going to lie, he had it tough and was picked on.
Dad worked long days and only had Sundays off. He too suffers from these body tics. Socially for both of them, to leave an environment where they felt safe and comfortable having their tics was a strain. People don't always mean to be rude but often they are. The self consciousness of knowing people were staring and wondering whats wrong must have been horrible. I have never felt embarrassed or ashamed of either of them for their tics. This did mean however, mum and dad had a very small social circle and would rarely go anywhere. We didn't have people over every weekend like I do, as kids we didn't have family friends outside of school friends. Even then neither my brother or I had many friends.
Tourette Syndrome is still not very well researched. It is known that it's a condition of the brain where the sparks lets say, function differently than you or I. They are not sick, they do not need to be treated as though they are broken. It is not a mental impairment. In fact you will find the opposite, a lot of people who have this syndrome are regarded as highly intellectual. Of course the physical side of it can be hard to manage and their are cases of people that have unbearable tics that effect their daily life. For this there is treatment and it's amazing!
So although I sympathise for my brother a great deal and wish that he hadn't been dealt this card in life, I can't change that. I do however feel as though I got a raw deal too. I made weird sounds at school and had little movements. I was picked on for it and made to feel as though I was retarded or strange. People didn't bother to get to know me. I came home at the end of the day to my brother. Not a friend, a sibling that I could stick together with and make it okay. Just another jerk in the path of my life.
I know this sounds harsh, and I am not having a whinge and asking for you all to feel sorry for me, I'm just calling a spade a spade. I have the most amazing and supportive group of friends in my life now and I am conscious of how my kids treat each other. At this point there have been a few slight signs in the kids that may suggest they could have tourettes but for the most part they are happy healthy normal kids. I hope they never have to experience the crap I did. I hope they are always a team and stick together. I am a very different mother than mine was, not better or worse just different. Perhaps that will make a difference. perhaps not.
SPOS (SINGULAR PARENT OVERDOSE SYNDROME)
I haven't posted in a while, life has been testing me a little at the least to say.
5 Yr old boy
I Answer to… nothing.
I Drop everything everywhere that is inconvenient to mum, including down the toilet and blocking it.
I know EVERYTHING. Don't believe me? just ask me!
I will eat anything as long as it is cereal of a chocolate form in a green bowl with milk.
If Skylanders and Mindcraft were real life I would be winning at both. (they are not!)
My hygiene is questionable
Yes I came home from school with yogurt stains on my bottom and no, I had no good explanation for my mum.
7 Yr old girl
Everything is either going to make me CRY or SCREAM!!!!!
I want you to walk me into school but as soon as i find my friends i want you to leave me alone!!
Homework, no way ho zah!!!
I ride horses all day Saturday and don't feel tired or sick but ask me to go for a walk and I've been struck with bubonic plague and cannot move. Seriously!
9 Yr old girl going on 19
Hormones
I will not hold your hand or kiss you in public
Hormones
I'm pretty sure I am amazing and that you should treat me accordingly
Hormones
When asked to do chores I will find the most long arsed procrastinating way to do such chore and whinge the entire time doing so.
I will, I repeat, I will answer back
5 Yr old boy
I Answer to… nothing.
I Drop everything everywhere that is inconvenient to mum, including down the toilet and blocking it.
I know EVERYTHING. Don't believe me? just ask me!
I will eat anything as long as it is cereal of a chocolate form in a green bowl with milk.
If Skylanders and Mindcraft were real life I would be winning at both. (they are not!)
My hygiene is questionable
Yes I came home from school with yogurt stains on my bottom and no, I had no good explanation for my mum.
7 Yr old girl
Everything is either going to make me CRY or SCREAM!!!!!
I want you to walk me into school but as soon as i find my friends i want you to leave me alone!!
Homework, no way ho zah!!!
I ride horses all day Saturday and don't feel tired or sick but ask me to go for a walk and I've been struck with bubonic plague and cannot move. Seriously!
9 Yr old girl going on 19
Hormones
I will not hold your hand or kiss you in public
Hormones
I'm pretty sure I am amazing and that you should treat me accordingly
Hormones
When asked to do chores I will find the most long arsed procrastinating way to do such chore and whinge the entire time doing so.
I will, I repeat, I will answer back
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