When my son was between the ages of 1 and 3, He wasn't the easiest child to grace this earth. He had amazing meltdowns, wouldn't get dressed, eat his food unless it was perfectly the way in which he wanted, this was a guessing game for me as he didn't actually share with me how he wished his food to appear, just what he didn't like about it.
My ex husband and I split the day before my little dudes 1st birthday. Not the greatest timing I admit but when is the right time for an event such as this. From that day the kids began the roller coaster ride of living between two parents, two houses, two sets of rules. They would and still do, stay with their father for the weekend every fortnight. Their father can and does see them between these visits from time to time, more so now than in the beginning.
Giving your 1 year old, along with a 3 and 5 year old, to someone else for two nights and three days is not natural or normal. Regardless of the fact it was their father. If my parents had them, I could call and it would be on my terms and my rules would be followed. But you see when you no longer wish to have a person in your life yet are forced to, you loose the right/power/control (whatever you wish to call it, its the same thing). I was a mess for at least the first six months of all this happening.
Why did I allow them to go you may wonder? He is their father. He is not a bad person. My children were not in a bad environment. They were not (to the best of my knowledge) in any immediate danger.
This is all sensible and seems to be the way things are commonly handled when families break apart. Try though, to explain this to a 1 year old. I have stayed at home with all of my children. I have sacrificed having a job/career, a life outside of nappies and play school. My son had been away from me at best for a night and that was only up the road with my parents. He didn't understand why he had to go with his dad all of a sudden and not see his mum from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon.
I would hazard a guess that majority of kids reactions when they arrive back to mum (or dad, whoever the full time career may be) is to be quite sticky.. no not from the sugary treats they have bee bribed with, I mean good luck even attempting to go to the bathroom without them. They have missed you! Extra cuddles, kisses and attention is needed. (For the parent too).
My boy did not react as such. He would appear to be almost angry and resentful towards me. It was as if I was being punished for sending him away. It broke my heart, many times.
As he grew a bit older and perhaps more aware of the situation he became quite aggressive. He would hit me and bite me, scream at me and refuse any form of affection I offered. This would last a day or two and then he would settle back down and be my adoring boy cuddly as anything again till the next stay at his dads.
I figured it was a phase. A very hard one, but given time he would adjust and except the situation for what it was. Surely as he grew in age he could start to comprehend that I was not sending nor pushing him or the girls away from me. Quite the opposite happened. The aggressive behaviour got worse and would stretch out from one to two days to a week, then to the point he was never happy.
He became withdrawn. I had to battle every single thing with him. He would refuse to even leave the house or go anywhere. Of course he had to because the girls had school and I needed to go to the supermarket etc. I lost count of the amount of times I had to pin him down just to get clothes on him and then drag him to the car reluctantly while the neighbours were probably on the phone to docs!
My boy would shut down from around thursday evening, knowing that Friday he would be going to his dads. Time spent with his Pa (my father) was about the only thing he was happy about. Pa became a sanctuary to him, his safe haven, reliable and never changing. He also saved my sanity! Pa is amazing with all kids, the girls adore him like nothing i've ever seen. He plays an important role with my boy though, he teaches him to be a kind and polite, intelligent male. Something perhaps his father is needing to also be taught!
I had tried sending my son to preschool for a while when he was nearly 4. It was horrible. He would get so upset about leaving me that I had to lie to him and not tell him where we were going. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. This kid is hurting so badly inside and all he wants is his mum, here I am sending him away to strangers. So I canned that after about 5 weeks of crying and screaming every day. Guess what? It was the best decision I've made so far for him. We began to have special days to break up the cycles we were in. To break what I can now look back and see was some pretty extreme anxiety. W had mummy days where I did no house work or chores, we chose together what to do and would do it. some days it was sitting on the couch watching a movie. Other days were more adventurous at the beach. then we had Shopping days and town days. Once he had a pre planned idea in his head of what would be happening that day he was okay about it. (Not perfect, the tantrums were still happening, but better)
There is a stage i've not spoken about just yet… I think it deserves an entire post of it's own, I also don't won't to over whelm any parents to be all in one blog, so I will leave a "To Be Continued" right here and post part 2 as soon as I can.
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