so unfortunately my ex was in my head today for reasons that I don't need to go into, it did however make me upset and I figured what better way to get rid of the feelings than blog right?!
I was 6 months separated. I had no interest what so ever in ever getting back together with my husband and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual. we got/get along well enough so no big deal.
The kids were 18 months old, 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 years old. I randomly met a guy through mutual friends.
He was so dreamy! He was a pilot, tall dark and handsome. He had two kids himself similar ages to my eldest two. So you know, he got it. Or so I thought. Anyhow, throughout my marriage I was quite neglected. My ex was not a touchy feely person, he wouldn't even hold my hand at home alone! I am a touchy feely person. I hug and kiss my friends always, even when I'm hanging out with them, I love a cuddle or linking arms etc. And, to me showing affection is showing the world you love the people around you but more importantly its showing that to them!
So along comes this guy, he's about 6 years older so he was a little more mature compared to the ex. He chased me, showed me he was interested yet was always a gentleman about it. I fell head over hills for him pretty quickly, he seemed to do the same. A few things didn't immediately add up though. and I guess being naive isn't even an excuse. After seven years of a torturous relationship I was willing to ignore the red flags and figured that it would be okay.
The biggest red flag was his ex wife. She had it in for me from day one. He had cheated on her. At the time of meeting him, he had fully disclosed this yet he said it was a once off with a random. (turns out there were at least 5 different women and they weren't all once offs or strangers!) After about 6 months, we started to integrate kids with each other and from there introduced the kids to each other. Long story short they got along fabulously well, to the point they all called each other brother and sister and wanted us to be married. The ex wife on the other hand, who lived in a hippy commune (without even a working toilet), was telling the kids I was a horrible person and not to talk to me etc. Basically anything nasty you could think of she was doing, including hitting on him and trying to get him to stay over at her house. He did on a few occasions. Now I am not that naive. I was furious about all this. The thing that really hurt was that he never supported me. Never stood up for me against her. It caused many fights and always ended with I should be the bigger person and ignore her. In the end I was the crazy one according to him. I did find texts on his phone accidentally (sort of) that proved other wise.
There were other things like a chick he was dating before me would send pictures and inappropriate texts. He said I was stupid and she meant nothing and didn't know why she would still be texting. (ridiculous we lasted beyond this point really). The problem is, I loved him dearly. He told me I was the one for him and that one day we would get married. We talked about the type of house we'd live in. He was close with my parents. He was Mr. Charisma. Could sell ice to Eskimos this man! He had me charmed beyond words and I just couldn't see straight when it came to him. Or i didn't want to is probably more accurate. Things got worse we were fighting more often. He had all but hidden me from his family playing down our relationship yet was practically living full time at my house with the kids and i.
I eventually got sick of arguing and feeling like the nut job he made me out to be and broke it off. Within 2 weeks we were sort of seeing each other again, its hard when you love someone. Then I found out he'd already run back to the chick that was texting throughout our entire relationship and was also seeing another chick he apparently was just friends with. I am almost positive this shit was happening when we were together. He was always away sporadic being that he was a pilot so there was plenty of opportunities.
After finally stepping away from the bastard and having some perspective, I realised he had constantly lied to me, he was for lack of a better term, a pathological liar! He believed his own stories, which always changed.
I am still deeply hurt from this relationship. I mourn the person I loved, but that person doesn't, and never did, exist. I don't know how to get closure from those feelings. I am so hard on the guys I now meet. I am so wary of falling for someone again who is only going to lie to me. It won't stop me loving, I want to love, it will just take its time I guess. Not only did he hurt me, he hurt my children! Although it may sound like I haven't mentioned this, it's only because that's the deepest hurt of all and I'm not sure writing about that is a good thing. Those scars are held very very close to my heart and are still fresh and raw.
I don't understand how a person can do this to another. I hope to meet an amazing man one day that is satisfied with me the way I am. Who doesn't feel the need to lie to me. A strong man that will walk by my side and put his arm around me because he is proud to show the world we are together. A man that can hold me up when I don't have the strength to hold myself up anymore, but lets me hold him when I am strong and he is not.
Blah Blah Blah, it's all sappy I know. You may now go and vomit.
thanks for letting me get that off my chest though!!!
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